Ask Anna & Ellie: Holidays & Divorce, To Tell Or Not To Tell?

Dear Anna and Ellie:

My wife and I have been married for nine years and have had trouble for the past three. We have three children ages, 8, 5, and 3. We decided a few months ago that we are going to divorce and I am certain that is the best option. In fact, ever since we made our decision, we have started to get along better. Keeping our marriage together was just too much pressure. We are talking about custody, our finances, and everything else and we are able to reach compromises on almost every subject – but we don’t know how to handle the upcoming holidays.

Our families are close and get along well. We are afraid that our divorce is really going to upset everyone. We always go to her sister’s house on Christmas Eve, our parents and siblings come to our house on Thanksgiving, and we thought it would be best to not tell anyone until January so that the holidays are not all upset for everyone.

What do you think of our plan? My wife hates to lie to our families, but I think we are saving them from feeling bad and also giving our kids a nice Christmas.

–Soon To Be Divorced

Dear Soon To Be Divorced:

Before we discuss whether it would be better for you and your wife to announce your divorce now or after the holidays, we have to ask: Are you absolutely, without question, beyond a shadow of a doubt certain that divorce is really the best option? Only you and your wife can truly answer this question. There are many couples who quit too soon, looking for greener pastures when the going gets rough and never fully realizing the benefits of long-term commitment; then again, there are other couples who don’t quit soon enough, wasting years of their lives in an unhappy relationship and fooling no one (children know whether or not their parents love one another). Divorce may in fact be the best option for the two of you, but if there is any part of either of you who feels like you would like to give your marriage one last shot, please speak up and see if you can work it out!

All of that said, it sounds as though you and your wife are really handling the situation well. Children are exceptionally hurt by divorce when their parents belittle and badmouth one another, making them feel like they have to “choose sides.” We commend both of you for working together to reach compromises on matters that often end up to be bitter, ugly battles. By keeping your divorce amicable, you are taking responsibility for your children and doing them a world of good.

It is wonderful that your families are close, and we know that you and your wife are only thinking of your families in your plan not to tell anyone of your divorce until January. Unfortunately, we believe withholding this information may actually do more harm than good. Yes, everyone may have a “nice Christmas” (Don’t kid yourselves: Your children are going to know something is up and others probably will too.); however, when you do make your announcement, there is a great chance that your families will be hurt because you didn’t tell them right away. In many cases, not telling feels as much of a betrayal as an outright lie.

Tell your families as soon as possible. It may be difficult, but it is better for all of your relationships. (Trying to keep up appearances may even further strain your relationship with your wife.) Remember that just because you tell them now, it doesn’t mean you have to take action immediately. You can still wait until January to separate and start legal proceedings.

We wish you and your family the best in handling this very difficult situation. Please contact us if there is anything more we can do.

–Anna & Ellie

Do you have a life or relationship question for Anna and Ellie? Do you want to know how Magna Sententia applies to your situation? Submit your question here!

Disclaimer
Anna Sherise and Ellie Sherise are not licensed or trained healthcare professionals, counselors, or financial advisors. “Ask Anna & Ellie” is provided for informational purposes only, and is not intended to take the place of the care and advice given to you by your physician, counselor, other healthcare professional, or financial advisor. Sherise Media LLC, its members and representatives, specifically disclaim all responsibility for any liability, loss, or risk, personal or otherwise, which is incurred as a consequence, directly or indirectly, of the use and application of any of the contents of this article and/or website.

Ask Anna & Ellie: Neighbors Who Ask For Too Much Help

Dear Anna and Ellie:

You talk a lot about treating others respectfully. I think you have some good ideas, but I’m not really sure how to follow what you say and at the same time maintain my sanity: In my building, there is this really nice elderly man who I frequently had superficial conversations with. He helped me carry packages in the elevator a few times, and he even helped me with my trash when I had too much to carry. He seems really lonely, and I can tell he lives for the times when people have conversations with him. I have always tried to be nice, but I don’t have the time to always be talking to him.

A few months ago, I had some furniture delivered and he offered to help me set some of it up. I was having trouble by myself, so I took him up on his offer. We got to talking about computers, e-mail, and all of that and he told be that he just bought a computer and was trying to learn how to use it. I told him I would help him, thinking he helped me, I could help him.

Bad idea. Now, every time I see him in the elevator, he needs help sending an e-mail, printing a letter, and on and on. I don’t want to be harsh with him, but I can’t stand it. I feel like a prisoner in my own building! I want to scream at him, “Leave me alone, I helped you enough already,” but I know if I did, I would just feel guilty.

What should I do? This is going too far and I need it to stop.

–I’ve Helped Enough

Dear I’ve Helped Enough:

If you try to treat others respectfully in your life, you will most likely struggle at some point with finding the balance between treating others respectfully and treating yourself respectfully. Your situation is a perfect example of this: You don’t want to be rude to your elderly neighbor, but you also need to honor your limitations and create healthy boundaries.

First, remember that good neighbors are hard to find, so appreciate your “really nice” neighbor (a rarity!) and his willingness to help you. As far as solving your problem so that you don’t end up losing your cool and shouting something hurtful (e.g. “Leave me alone, I helped you enough already!”), here are a few ideas:

To make helping him less stressful for you, be honest and tell him when you are too busy. Then, set up a time to get together that is less inconvenient for you. When you do take time to help him, instead of just sending the e-mail or printing the letter for him, teach him how to do these things by himself: Make sure he is the one sitting at the computer, and have him take his own notes so that he can send e-mails and print letters when he is alone. This might take more time now, but hopefully, this will help him to become more self-sufficient, requiring your assistance less and less.

Also, take a few minutes to Google technology/computer courses for senior citizens in your area. You will undoubtedly find many resources for helping your neighbor learn the computer. In fact, many community colleges and senior centers have classes and individual lessons available at little or very low cost. Print out the information, and keep it in your bag or briefcase so that you can give it to him the next time you run into him. When you see him, say something like, “I was thinking about you the other day and found this information for you. I know you really want to learn how to use your computer, and I’m always so busy. I thought you might enjoy learning the computer with other beginners, and here are some places close by that will be able to help you. I don’t want you to always have to be waiting for me.”

If you try these suggestions and he still pesters you, you may have to firmly tell him you are too busy. Repeat as necessary, but there is no reason to be harsh while doing so.

–Anna & Ellie

Do you have a life or relationship question for Anna and Ellie? Do you want to know how Magna Sententia applies to your situation? Submit your question here!

Disclaimer
Anna Sherise and Ellie Sherise are not licensed or trained healthcare professionals, counselors, or financial advisors. “Ask Anna & Ellie” is provided for informational purposes only, and is not intended to take the place of the care and advice given to you by your physician, counselor, other healthcare professional, or financial advisor. Sherise Media LLC, its members and representatives, specifically disclaim all responsibility for any liability, loss, or risk, personal or otherwise, which is incurred as a consequence, directly or indirectly, of the use and application of any of the contents of this article and/or website.

Ask Anna & Ellie: My Neighbor’s Cat Is Destroying My Garden

Dear Anna and Ellie:

My neighbor, “Mary,” and I have been friends for twenty years. We have always watched out for one another’s homes when we are on vacation, shared visits by the mailbox, and have never had any trouble – until now.

Two years ago, Mary and her husband got a cat. They had two dogs already, but wanted a cat for their grandchildren to enjoy when they came to visit. We have never had any trouble with their dogs, but their cat climbs their fence and comes over to our backyard all the time and uses our garden as her private bathroom area.

I have mentioned this to Mary because it stinks so badly in the springtime, and in the summer she digs up my plants and makes a complete mess. I was very polite and just asked what we can do. Mary looked at me like I had insulted her and muttered back that she didn’t think it was her cat. I told her that I had seen her cat in my garden numerous times, but she just shook her head and said that I must be mixing her cat up with someone else’s.

This has gone on too long. My husband wants to call animal control, but I don’t want to start a whole war with the neighbors. I just talked to her about it again yesterday and she just closed up.

What should I do? I really like Mary and want to live in peace, but our backyard smells so badly and our garden is nearly ruined.

Please help!!

–I Want My Backyard Back

Dear I Want My Backyard Back:

You have to decide what you want more: your garden and the use of your backyard or your neighborly friendship with Mary. For us, the decision would be pretty easy: We’d follow your husband’s advice and call animal control.

While we completely understand your desire to be on good terms with Mary, you have already given her the benefit of the doubt by going to her first. However, since her only response has been denial (even though you know it’s her cat destroying your garden), she has basically left you with no choice but to contact animal control if you want her cat out of your backyard.

You have a right to enjoy your property, and your neighbor’s cat should not be allowed to dig up your garden and use it “as her private bathroom area.” Mary is treating you and your husband disrespectfully by not making sure that her cat is under control, and if you don’t have peace in your neighborhood, Mary is the one to thank.

Mary may have been a good neighbor in the past, but in this instance, she is being a bad neighbor, plain and simple. Call animal control, and start enjoying your backyard. If she gets angry, that’s her problem. On the other hand, if she realizes her poor judgment and starts treating you respectfully, put this behind you and move on.

–Anna & Ellie

Do you have a life or relationship question for Anna and Ellie? Do you want to know how Magna Sententia applies to your situation? Submit your question here!

Disclaimer
Anna Sherise and Ellie Sherise are not licensed or trained healthcare professionals, counselors, or financial advisors. “Ask Anna & Ellie” is provided for informational purposes only, and is not intended to take the place of the care and advice given to you by your physician, counselor, other healthcare professional, or financial advisor. Sherise Media LLC, its members and representatives, specifically disclaim all responsibility for any liability, loss, or risk, personal or otherwise, which is incurred as a consequence, directly or indirectly, of the use and application of any of the contents of this article and/or website.

Ask Anna & Ellie: My Son Is An Irresponsible Father

Dear Anna and Ellie:

I have about had it with my son. All his life, he has been in some kind of trouble or another. Ever since he was in high school, he has been in trouble with the law. Nothing serious, just small stuff like driving without a license or insurance. He also can’t keep a job. He loses his temper and gets fired. Now he is an unemployed, single father of two small children.

I love the grand kids – and so does my wife, but I am so tired of getting him out of his messes. He doesn’t have enough money to pay for their clothes. The oldest just started school. How will he be able to raise good kids if he can’t even live right himself. He is my biggest mistake (but I don’t really know what I did wrong) and all I can say is thank God I only had one kid.

Do I continue to help him for the sake of his kids, or do I wash my hands of the whole mess once and for all?

–My Son Is No Man

Dear My Son Is No Man:

Before we discuss whether or not you should continue helping your son, please ask yourself and honestly answer this question: Do you feel your grandchildren are well cared for and safe? The Child Welfare Information Gateway not only defines child neglect, but also helps you handle these extremely difficult situations:

If you suspect a child is being abused or neglected or if you are a child who is being maltreated, contact your local child protective services office or law enforcement agency, so professionals can assess the situation. Many States have a toll-free number to call to report suspected child abuse or neglect. To find out where to call, consult the Information Gateway publication, Child Abuse Reporting Numbers.

If your grandchildren are not being neglected, but are nonetheless suffering from their father’s irresponsibility, it still puts you in a very troubling position, and our hearts go out to you.

Living according to Magna Sententia, adults take responsibility for themselves and their children, and if you take on your adult son’s responsibilities, he will never become self-sufficient. However, you may not want to “wash [your] hands of the whole mess” because of your grandchildren. Fortunately, there are many ways you can help your grandchildren without “enabling” your son.

The idea is to directly provide your grandchildren with specific goods or services they need: Take them shopping for clothes, have them over for dinner, buy their school supplies, pay their medical bills (make sure you actually see and send in the bill!), or start a college fund for them. Whatever you do, do not give your son money “for the grandchildren.” Most likely, he will either spend it unwisely or on himself.

The best thing you can do for your grandchildren is to stay involved and be a good influence: Invite their friends over so you know who they are spending time with, attend their curriculum night and parent-teacher conferences, and just listen. They need you to be the someone they can look up to who is a positive role model for their lives.

–Anna & Ellie

Do you have a life or relationship question for Anna and Ellie? Do you want to know how Magna Sententia applies to your situation? Submit your question here!

Disclaimer
Anna Sherise and Ellie Sherise are not licensed or trained healthcare professionals, counselors, or financial advisors. “Ask Anna & Ellie” is provided for informational purposes only, and is not intended to take the place of the care and advice given to you by your physician, counselor, other healthcare professional, or financial advisor. Sherise Media LLC, its members and representatives, specifically disclaim all responsibility for any liability, loss, or risk, personal or otherwise, which is incurred as a consequence, directly or indirectly, of the use and application of any of the contents of this article and/or website.

Ask Anna & Ellie: Three Kids, One Bossy & Controlling Wife

Dear Anna and Ellie:

I feel trapped and need some advice. I don’t feel comfortable asking my friends or family because I don’t want my wife to find out.

I have been married for nine years. We have three kids. I love my kids, but it’s to the point where I don’t think I love my wife anymore. She is bossy, controlling, and everything always has to be her way “for the kids.”

A divorce would be a big war, but the way I’m feeling, I’m about ready for the battle. The way she acts, she thinks all I am good for is lists of things to do and earning money to pay off stuff we couldn’t afford in the first place.

What should I do? I will miss my kids if we get divorced, but I hate my life.

–Stuck & Torn

Dear Stuck & Torn:

Only you can decide if divorce really is your lone option; however, we do have a few thoughts for you to consider while making your decision:

Unfortunately, your wife sounds like many people we have met or observed. Instead of treating their partners as a partner, in the truest sense of the word, they treat their partners as they would a babysitter, errand runner, or housekeeper: someone they consider inferior and expendable.

Regrettably, it appears to us that increasingly more couples have this dynamic in their relationship, and it is about time everyone put a stop to it. Obviously, this behavior is not good for marriages (or committed relationships), and it is also extremely unhealthy for children. Children will never treat their father respectfully if they grow up watching their mother boss him around all of the time and treat him like a hired hand of little importance.

So, to your wife and all the other men and women out there who mirror your wife’s behavior, please listen:

Treat your partner with the utmost respect, at all times. This means never belittling him or her in front of your children, or in private. Your partner is your equal, and he or she must never be made to feel as though you think of him or her as simply someone who is expected to earn money, do the shopping, clean the dishes, or help with the laundry. As a couple, you are to work together to raise your children, teaching them to take responsibility for themselves and treat themselves and others respectfully. The only way this can be accomplished is if you and your partner model are positive role models on a daily basis.

Husbands and wives, treat your partner with honor and respect; otherwise, he or she is completely justified in leaving you. Individuals deserve better than to be their partner’s doormat.

–Anna & Ellie

Do you have a life or relationship question for Anna and Ellie? Do you want to know how Magna Sententia applies to your situation? Submit your question here!

Disclaimer
Anna Sherise and Ellie Sherise are not licensed or trained healthcare professionals, counselors, or financial advisors. “Ask Anna & Ellie” is provided for informational purposes only, and is not intended to take the place of the care and advice given to you by your physician, counselor, other healthcare professional, or financial advisor. Sherise Media LLC, its members and representatives, specifically disclaim all responsibility for any liability, loss, or risk, personal or otherwise, which is incurred as a consequence, directly or indirectly, of the use and application of any of the contents of this article and/or website.

Ask Anna & Ellie: Judging Your Neighbor’s Estranged Children

Dear Anna and Ellie:

Our neighbors across the street are the nicest couple you would ever want to meet. They help us with our kids whenever we ask them, they remember our special days, and they even bring our kids little gifts when they go out for the day.

They are both in their sixties and I am just so mad at their kids. Their kids never visit these two great people, and one of their daughters doesn’t even talk to them. How can they be so mean to such nice parents? I want to call or write all three of their kids and tell them I think it is disgusting how they treat their mom and dad, but my husband thinks I should just stay out of it.

Would it be wrong for me to step in and tell those kids to start treating their parents better?

–Caring Neighbor

Dear Caring Neighbor:

There’s a name for individuals who insert themselves in what is none of their business without knowing all (or any) of the facts: busybody. Even if your neighbors are “the nicest” to you and your family, you still don’t have the faintest idea as to how they were (and are) as parents. In our experience, children are never estranged from their parents for no reason, and nine times out of ten, it’s for good reason. What you think is “disgusting” behavior may in fact be their children simply having some self-respect.

Remember that no one knows what goes on behind closed doors: Maybe they were awful parents. Maybe their children are spoiled rotten and can’t appreciate how wonderful they really are. Regardless, the fact remains that you don’t know, and you’ll never know because you will only ever hear one side of the story.

Please follow the Axiom of Respect, listen to your husband, and “just stay out of it.”

–Anna & Ellie

Do you have a life or relationship question for Anna and Ellie? Do you want to know how Magna Sententia applies to your situation? Submit your question here!

Disclaimer
Anna Sherise and Ellie Sherise are not licensed or trained healthcare professionals, counselors, or financial advisors. “Ask Anna & Ellie” is provided for informational purposes only, and is not intended to take the place of the care and advice given to you by your physician, counselor, other healthcare professional, or financial advisor. Sherise Media LLC, its members and representatives, specifically disclaim all responsibility for any liability, loss, or risk, personal or otherwise, which is incurred as a consequence, directly or indirectly, of the use and application of any of the contents of this article and/or website.

Ask Anna & Ellie: Rules For Customers & Delivery Personnel

Dear Anna and Ellie:

I am so frustrated with the customers I work with, I would like to walk away from my job tomorrow but of course I can’t do that. I deliver furniture and when we go into people’s homes, I feel like screaming and yelling every day.

Housewives who think they own the world, moan and groan, yell at you for stepping on their carpet, demand that you move all the furniture in the room, not just what you deliver, and then want you to rearrange the furniture if they don’t like the way it looks. Then there’s the men, looking over the furniture like it costs a million dollars and was made to last three lifetimes. If they wanted heirloom quality, why didn’t they buy it, and not the cheap stuff I am delivering to them.

I try to be polite, but as the days go on I am getting more frustrated, and I am having a harder time keeping my cool. Any advice?

–I’m A Delivery Guy, Not An Interior Decorator

Dear Delivery Guy:

While we understand your frustration, please keep in mind that your customers may be overreacting to you because of their prior unpleasant experiences with delivery personnel. Unfortunately, there are delivery personnel who are not the least bit careful, damaging carpet or flooring, the items being delivered, or other furniture. No, it isn’t fair of your customers to take the past out on you, but the fact is that if they’ve already had a negative experience, it is quite likely they will start anxious. The calmer and more patient you are, the easier it will be for them to relax and see that you are different. On the other hand, if you seem frustrated or irritated, you may unintentionally aggravate the situation.

According to Magna Sententia, we must treat others respectfully in all social interactions, and deliveries are a very common social interaction. So how can customers best treat delivery personnel respectfully? And how can delivery personnel best treat customers respectfully?

Customers: Have your homes ready with a route cleared that provides delivery personnel easy access to the area you have prepared for your new furniture. Again, prepare the area for the new furniture before the delivery personnel arrive, rearranging old furniture beforehand when necessary. While it is understandable that you will want to confirm the quality of the items you just received, have reasonable expectations and remember that delivery personnel are not responsible for the faults of their employers (or your choice in furnishings). If furniture arrives damaged, politely ask that the specifics be recorded and for information regarding how their employer (notice their employer, not them) will help resolve your problem.

Delivery Personnel: Be good representatives of your employers by acting in a way that promotes good customer relations. Leave customers’ homes in as close a condition as possible to the way it was when you arrived. To accomplish this, have a clean pair of shoes (or drop cloths or booties) and take extra care not to hurt carpet, flooring, or other items while moving in the new furniture. If you accidentally harm something, promptly apologize and make sure these items are repaired or replaced as quickly as possible. If the furniture you are delivering is damaged, apologize to the customer on behalf of your employer and do what you can to help them resolve the situation.

Thanks so much for your question! It serves as an excellent reminder that we all must be polite and treat one another respectfully when receiving or making a delivery, making it a more pleasant experience for everyone involved.

–Anna & Ellie

Do you have a life or relationship question for Anna and Ellie? Do you want to know how Magna Sententia applies to your situation? Submit your question here!

Disclaimer
Anna Sherise and Ellie Sherise are not licensed or trained healthcare professionals, counselors, or financial advisors. “Ask Anna & Ellie” is provided for informational purposes only, and is not intended to take the place of the care and advice given to you by your physician, counselor, other healthcare professional, or financial advisor. Sherise Media LLC, its members and representatives, specifically disclaim all responsibility for any liability, loss, or risk, personal or otherwise, which is incurred as a consequence, directly or indirectly, of the use and application of any of the contents of this article and/or website.

Ask Anna & Ellie: Making Room For Your Mother-In-Law

Dear Anna and Ellie:

My mother-in-law, “Paula,” is really the sweetest woman and the best mother-in-law you could ask for. There is just one problem (and I hate to even call it that): She likes to give me “knick knacks” to display in my home, and even though I do appreciate her thinking of me, I really don’t like them. Not only are they not my taste, in my opinion, having all these little things displayed make the house cluttered. I like things neat and orderly without too much stuff.

What should I do? I would never want to make her feel badly or seem ungrateful, but I don’t want to keep pretending to like them because this has only made her give me more. Should I tell her? Or should I just bite my lip and be thankful that she is so nice to me?

Please help!

–Not Ungrateful

Dear Not Ungrateful:

You are quite fortunate to have a mother-in-law who is “really the sweetest woman and the best mother-in-law you could ask for,” and yes, please be truly thankful for her. Pursuing Magna Sententia means always trying to treat others respectfully, and considering how nice Paula is, it would be disrespectful of you to offend or hurt her over knick knacks.

But that doesn’t mean you don’t have a problem. Here’s a solution: Purchase a small-to-medium sized display case to match your decor, and use it to display as many knick knacks from Paula as will fit. The next time she is over, show it to her and say something along the lines of: “I bought this case for all of those nice things you’ve bought me, and when I look at it, I think of you.”

When Paula gives you additional items (or as the seasons change), rotate what is on display in the case, putting the items that don’t fit away in storage. That way, there is an upper limit on how many knick knacks are displayed, the “clutter” is contained to one space, and she will never think you are ungrateful.

Just view this as making room for Paula in your life, but honoring your boundaries at the same time.

–Anna & Ellie

Do you have a life or relationship question for Anna and Ellie? Do you want to know how Magna Sententia applies to your situation? Submit your question here!

Disclaimer
Anna Sherise and Ellie Sherise are not licensed or trained healthcare professionals, counselors, or financial advisors. “Ask Anna & Ellie” is provided for informational purposes only, and is not intended to take the place of the care and advice given to you by your physician, counselor, other healthcare professional, or financial advisor. Sherise Media LLC, its members and representatives, specifically disclaim all responsibility for any liability, loss, or risk, personal or otherwise, which is incurred as a consequence, directly or indirectly, of the use and application of any of the contents of this article and/or website.

Ask Anna & Ellie: Teacher Troubled By Misbehaving Students

Dear Anna and Ellie:

I am a high school math teacher and have been for the past 18 years. I used to love my job, but now, as the new school year approaches, I am dreading it! The kids have no respect for their teachers anymore, and when I try to make them behave, their parents always take their side. Even if they don’t study or do their homework and do poorly on their tests, I fear failing them because of their parents and the administration. (I get in trouble if I fail too many of them.)

Kids used to be better behaved, the community used to be on the teachers’ side, and an “A” used to mean an “A.” Thinking about the way it is now compared to how it used to be almost makes me ill.

I don’t want to give up on the kids. It’s not their fault. But I don’t know if I can take it anymore. What should I do?

–Troubled Teacher

Dear Troubled Teacher:

First, thank you for all of your years teaching math. The children of our country are our future, and we appreciate all of your efforts to instruct and guide them.

Unfortunately, your story is one we hear quite frequently, and unless things change, no one will want to become a teacher because of the poor behavior of students and lack of parental support for teachers. More and more often, excellent teachers are choosing to find less stressful jobs where they are given more respect. This is a completely justifiable option for you as well.

It is our hope that more parents will start teaching their children proper classroom conduct, respect for others, and basic manners. For their part, in order for teachers to be trusted by parents, they must behave impeccably: When parents hear horror stories about teachers like former Nebraska middle school math teacher Kelsey Peterson (who is serving six years in federal prison for having a sexual relationships with her 12-year-old student), it is difficult for them to not to take their children’s side.

Under Magna Sententia, parents are responsible for their children. Consequently, if a child is misbehaving and disrupting his or her class, or not performing adequately, it is truly the parent’s responsibility to correct this behavior. If the poor behavior continues, there must be some real repercussions. Schools should expel or fail students who interfere with other students’ educations or can’t meet minimum academic standards.

Regrettably, until children’s behavior at school has real consequences and teachers hold themselves to a standard of behavior above reproach, your dilemma will play itself out daily in the lives of many of our best and most treasured teachers. Please let us know what you decide to do!

–Anna & Ellie

Do you have a life or relationship question for Anna and Ellie? Do you want to know how Magna Sententia applies to your situation? Submit your question here!

Disclaimer
Anna Sherise and Ellie Sherise are not licensed or trained healthcare professionals, counselors, or financial advisors. “Ask Anna & Ellie” is provided for informational purposes only, and is not intended to take the place of the care and advice given to you by your physician, counselor, other healthcare professional, or financial advisor. Sherise Media LLC, its members and representatives, specifically disclaim all responsibility for any liability, loss, or risk, personal or otherwise, which is incurred as a consequence, directly or indirectly, of the use and application of any of the contents of this article and/or website.

Ask Anna & Ellie: Fed Up With Being Used

Dear Anna and Ellie:

Three months ago, I met this girl. Let’s call her “Jessica.”

She pretended to be my friend so I would give her a plant for her yard. Once I gave her the plant, she stopped talking to me. Now, two months later, she contacts me asking me for help with a computer project. This totally frustrates me.

I would like to tell her to go #@$% herself, but I am sure that this is not within the guidelines of Magna Sententia. What is the proper way to handle this problem?

–Frustrated & Feeling Used

Dear Frustrated:

You are completely justified in feeling frustrated; it is very disrespectful of Jessica to only talk to you when she needs something.

No, the way you suggest telling her to “get lost” is not in accordance with Magna Sententia: Part of living the Axiom of Respect is holding yourself to a high standard of behavior, even when people mistreat you. This does not mean, however, that you should put up with Jessica’s behavior. Do not help her with her computer project or instigate further communication with her.

Although we believe the easiest way to Release her would be to just let it go (she’ll stop calling when she figures out you aren’t going to help her anymore), if it would really make you feel better, you could respond with something like, “Jessica, I’m not going to help you with your project. You only contact me when you need something, and I don’t appreciate being treated like that. Don’t contact me again.”

Personally, we aren’t sure this kind of confrontation is worth it because most likely, anything you say won’t cause her to change. The choice is up to you, but whatever you decide, take the high road. Looking back, this will make you feel good about yourself and your character.

–Anna & Ellie

Do you have a life or relationship question for Anna and Ellie? Do you want to know how Magna Sententia applies to your situation? Submit your question here!

Disclaimer
Anna Sherise and Ellie Sherise are not licensed or trained healthcare professionals, counselors, or financial advisors. “Ask Anna & Ellie” is provided for informational purposes only, and is not intended to take the place of the care and advice given to you by your physician, counselor, other healthcare professional, or financial advisor. Sherise Media LLC, its members and representatives, specifically disclaim all responsibility for any liability, loss, or risk, personal or otherwise, which is incurred as a consequence, directly or indirectly, of the use and application of any of the contents of this article and/or website.