Dear Anna and Ellie:
I bought your book and liked the section on “Cordiality.” However, my question does not seem to be answered in your book: It seems that more and more when I am in a restaurant with one of my friends, and she leaves the table for a few minutes, men come to our table and sit down, expecting me to talk to them. I think this is completely obnoxious, and while I don’t want to be rude, I am getting increasingly annoyed.
How should I act in this situation? I want to “treat others respectfully,” but I am getting angrier every time this happens.
Thanks.
–Annoyed By Rude Men
Dear Annoyed:
This is a really excellent question because it essentially boils down to learning how to balance “treating yourself respectfully” and “treating others respectfully,” two very important concepts that at times can seem to be at odds with one another:
Clearly, the former greatly outweighs the latter when it comes to personal safety and the safety of others. If one of these obnoxious guys won’t leave you alone and you feel threatened, do not hesitate to take steps to protect yourself (alert restaurant personnel, make sure someone accompanies you to your car, etc.). It is better to be safe than sorry!
It is utterly presumptuous and rude for men to come and sit at your table without permission, especially when you are all alone. Please don’t confuse “treating others respectfully” with being a pushover who puts up with inappropriate behavior (which, by the way, would not be “treating yourself respectfully”). Rather, it means holding yourself to a high standard of behavior, even when you have to stand up for yourself. (Don’t just start cursing these men out!) Put simply, balancing “treating yourself respectfully” and “treating others respectfully” could be defined as having strength and character.
If this happens to you again, tell the guy in no uncertain terms that you want him to leave your table. For instance, you could say, “I’m not interested in talking to you. Please leave,” or “I don’t remember giving you permission to sit at my table. Now go back to your own.” These examples may sound harsh, but they are quite reasonable given the situation.
Your anger is justified, but you will certainly feel much better if you are direct and stand up for yourself the next time.
–Anna & Ellie
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